The Death of Addie Gray Read online

She stares at me for a moment, before picking up the slider again. “I can manage,” she mutters. “You've got so much food here. I'm starting to think you really are rich.”

  Rob laughs and mutters something under his breath.

  “Back where I -” Addie starts to say, before suddenly falling silent.

  “Back where you what?” I ask.

  She shakes her head. “Nothing.”

  “Go on,” I continue. “What were you going to say?”

  “Nothing.” She takes another bite and chews, and this time she seems to be trying to pretend that she's enjoying the food. “I don't get how you don't all end up fat, though,” she continues, “not with all this food around. Jesophat's gonna be...”

  Her voice trails off.

  Rob's phone buzzes, and he checks it under the table.

  “Are you playing a game?” Addie asks him.

  “Huh?” He glances at her. “No, honey, I'm just... It's someone from work, that's all.”

  She stares at him for a moment, seemingly a little confused, before looking back down at her food.

  “Well,” I continue, making sure to not acknowledge what she just said, “I was thinking that after dinner, we should watch one of your favorite movies, Addie. Does that sound good? It's been a while since we had a family movie night.”

  “You mean, go to the cinema?”

  “No, we'll just pick a DVD or something and watch here.”

  She turns and looks around the room, before glancing back at me. For a moment, she seems poised to ask more questions, but then finally she nods.

  “You'd like that?” I ask.

  “Sure. Whatever it...”

  Her voice trails off, and she seems very uncertain about something.

  For the next few minutes, we eat in silence. Part of me wants to say something to get the conversation going, but at the same time I figure that it's good to just get used to each other's company again. There were times when I thought we'd never get another chance to eat together as a family, and I'm pretty sure I've got a dumb grin on my face. Rob's phone buzzes a couple more times and he checks the messages, but after a moment I glance at Addie and see that she seems to be crying.

  “Honey?” I ask cautiously. “What's wrong?”

  She immediately wipes her eyes and smiles at me.

  “Nothing,” she says, taking a deep breath. “I just... This house is so wonderful, it's like everything anyone could ever want. Jesophat's gonna be so amazed when he shows up.”

  I look back at my food, feeling a little frustrated by the fact that she still hasn't shaken her bizarre fantasies. When I glance back over at her, however, I see that she's once again playing with her pinky fingers, linking them together. I open my mouth to ask why she's doing that, but I figure I should just let her get on with whatever makes her feel better. At least when she's playing, she's not saying those strange things that make her sound less like herself. If she's not provoked, hopefully her thoughts will settle and she'll become her old self again.

  Sometimes, it really is best to ignore a problem and wait for it to go away.

  Erica

  “What the hell is she doing?” Rob stammers, as we both sit up in the dark bedroom.

  Scrambling out of bed, I grab my night-gown and quickly slip into it as I head to the door. A few seconds ago Addie started screaming in her bedroom, shouting words that I can't quite make out, and as I reach the corridor and head to her door I can't shake the sense of panic in my chest. Pushing the door open, I switch the light on and see that she's curled up at the bottom of her bed, shivering and yelling with her eyes clamped tight shut.

  “Addie?” I say cautiously, stepping toward her. “What's wrong?” I glance around the room, but everything else looks absolutely normal. “Addie, what -”

  Suddenly her eyes flick open and she stares up at me. She's breathless and still trembling, with her arms wrapped tight around her knees as if she's trying to hug herself into a ball, but after a moment she rolls onto her back, still staring up at me.

  “I saw them,” she whispers, with tears glistening on her cheeks. “I saw them all, and I saw...”

  She pauses, as if she can't quite get the words out.

  “I saw him falling,” she continues, as I sit next to her on the bed, “and he called out my name, but... That didn't happen, did it? I'd remember if that was what happened. It's just my mind playing tricks on me. Dear Lord, it has to be, it just has to be!”

  Reaching out and putting a hand on her shoulder, I genuinely have no idea what to say. This is her first night home from the hospital, and her fourth night overall since waking up, and I was hoping that things would start getting back to normal. Instead, she's sweating profusely and when I place the back of my hand against her forehead, I realize that she seems pretty warm.

  “Why would I dream about that?” she asks, her teeth chattering slightly. “Why would I dream about him falling, when I know he didn't fall? Why would my mind do that to me?”

  “Who are you talking about?” I reply.

  I know what she's going to say, but there's still a part of me that hopes I'm wrong.

  “I saw Jesophat falling,” she whimpers, as fresh tears start rolling down her face. “He cried out, and then he fell all the way down and they got him...” Her voice trails off for a moment, as if she's reliving some awful moment from her dream. “That can't be what happened, though,” she adds, sniffing back tears. “I wouldn't have let that happen, I would have gone back for him. No matter what, I'd have gone back. I love him so much...”

  I stroke the side of her head, feeling her soft hair between my fingers, but I honestly don't know what to say. Her dreams seem so detailed and so convoluted, and so adult, and worst of all she seems to genuinely believe that they're memories. It's almost as if, during her time in the coma, she created some kind of vast fantasy world that she can't or won't leave behind. Still, she doesn't need to see a child psychologist or anyone like that, despite the not-so-subtle hints delivered by Diane and Doctor Andrews. She just needs time at home, to get back into her routine.

  “That part was a nightmare,” she whispers finally, having calmed down a little. “Of course it was. I would never have left Jesophat behind, not after everything we went through. He's close by. He'll come and find me soon.”

  Not wanting to say or do anything that might encourage these fantasies, I simply stroke her hair for a moment. Now that she's quiet, I actually feel as if we're being more like a normal mother and daughter, and I can only hope that the nightmares and fantasy world will fade over time. I see that she's fiddling with her pinky fingers again, linking them together almost obsessively.

  “What's that about?” I ask.

  When she doesn't reply, I move my hand closer and try to add one of my pinkies, but she quickly pulls away.

  “Addie? Why do you keep doing that?”

  Spotting movement by the door, I see that Rob has come through.

  “She had a nightmare,” I tell him.

  He nods, rubbing his head as if he's still only half awake.

  “Is everything okay in here, then?” he asks. “Did Mommy chase the bad dreams away?”

  I nod, and he mutters something before turning and heading back out of the room. After a moment, I hear him heading into the bathroom.

  “Something must be keeping Jesophat from me,” Addie whispers, still looking down at her pinkies. “It's the only -”

  “Sshhh!” I tell her, stroking the side of her head. “Not now, Addie.”

  “He's smart, though,” she continues. “He'll find a way to get to me, I know he will. He's almost as smart as me, and I'm pretty smart! That's not bragging, it's just the way it is.”

  “You're very smart,” I reply, “and creative too. Almost beyond your years. It's hard to believe that you were in that bed for nine months, but I guess during that time you were creating some kind of fantasy in your head. The doctors say you couldn't have been dreaming but there must have been way more acti
vity going on in that noggin of yours than they realize.”

  “Nine months?” She glances up at me. “I wasn't in there for nine months. I was in there for a few hours, that's all. Before I woke up.”

  “Maybe that's all you remember, but you were unconscious for much longer.”

  She stares at me for a moment, before sitting up and pulling away.

  “Do you want to go back to sleep?” I ask.

  She nods, and she's already started crawling over to the other end of the bed. It's as if suddenly she's decided she doesn't need me.

  “I thought maybe we could do something fun tomorrow,” I continue, watching as she clambers under the duvet. “Daddy'll be at work and he won't be home until late, so -”

  “You know he's not really at work in the evenings, don't you?” she replies suddenly.

  I pause for a moment. “I'm sorry, honey?”

  “You're not that naive,” she continues. “You can't be. He works in the day, but when he says he's working in the evenings, he's lying to you. He goes out and fucks whores. Or maybe just the same whore every time, I don't know. It's obvious.”

  I open my mouth to reply, but after a moment I realize that I must have misheard. There's no way Addie just said what I thought she said. For one thing, she doesn't even know the f-word.

  “You know I'm right,” she says calmly. “Maybe you don't want to admit it to yourself, but that's your problem, isn't it? Even if the truth about something is right in front of your face, you find a way to ignore it. I bet you've seen lots of little hints and clues over the years about what Rob's doing, but you don't want to believe that it's true. You want to go on and on pretending that everything is okay, that your precious little family is happy together, even if you're only making -”

  “That's enough,” I reply as I get to my feet, trying not to let her see that I'm shaken. “Addie, I don't know what you think you're -”

  “I'm not Addie.”

  I stare at her for a moment, and she stares back with blank, expressionless eyes. After a few seconds, however, I start to see the faintest trace of something else in her gaze, as if she's slightly amused by me.

  Or mocking me.

  “Try to get some sleep,” I tell her, stepping back toward the door. “It's probably going to be overwhelming for you to slip back into your old routine. You'll need all the strength you can get.”

  “I hate cheaters,” she continues. “A decent man doesn't cheat on his family, especially when he's got things so good. A decent man is honorable and grateful.”

  “And tomorrow we'll just relax,” I say, swallowing hard. “Maybe we can go out for a few hours to the park.”

  “How long are you gonna ignore his infidelity?” she asks. “Are you really so desperate to pretend that everything's okay?”

  “Good night, honey,” I continue. “Get some sleep. I'm sure you'll feel much better in the morning. You have to.”

  I wait for her to reply, but she seems content to simply watch me with a faint grin, and finally I mutter a few more words about sleeping well and then I step out of the room, carefully pulling the door shut. My hands are trembling and I feel as if a burst if panic is rising through my chest, but after a few seconds I start bringing my fears under control. Addie was just testing me, just acting out a little, and she didn't mean any of those things she said. Everything's okay, and she just needs a little more time.

  A moment later, Rob wanders out from the bathroom.

  “Is she still banging on about the same stuff?” he asks.

  “I'm sure it'll pass,” I mutter, turning and watching as he heads to the bedroom. “Are you sure you have to work tomorrow? Couldn't you ask Sam to cut you some slack after everything that's happened?”

  “Sorry, honey,” he replies as he disappears into the bedroom. “You know what Sam's like. The guy's a goddamn slave-driver. I need to put the hours in if I want to get that promotion when Steve leaves in the fall.”

  I pause for a moment, before realizing that he's probably right. I have no idea what prompted Addie's outburst a moment ago, but I figure she's just having trouble adjusting to the fact that she's home again. Plus, even though she's clearly not still ill and she definitely doesn't need to see a psychiatrist, she's obviously struggling to adjust to her old life.

  There's no need to rush things. Everything's going to be okay in the end. And tomorrow she has her first play-date since getting home. I'm sure that once she spends some time with Suzie, she'll be back to her old self.

  Erica

  “So I want you guys to have fun today,” Rob says, kissing the top of my head as he makes his way around the breakfast table. “I'm really sorry I got called in so early, but I can't exactly refuse. It's gonna be a long day for me, huh?”

  “It's fine,” I reply, watching as Addie picks unenthusiastically at her boiled egg. “Suzie's coming over later.”

  “That sounds like fun,” Rob continues as he grabs his briefcase and heads over to Addie. Stopping behind her, he leans down and kisses the side of her face. “Do you know what you're going to do when she gets here?”

  Addie flinches a little at the kiss.

  “I think there's another mouse in the laundry room,” I say after a moment. “There was a hole in one of your shirts.”

  “I saw,” he replies. “I was gonna put some poison down, but I couldn't find the bottle.”

  “I don't like it when you use poison,” I tell him. “Can't you get a trap, like we had before?”

  “Steel traps are best,” Addie mutters under her breath. “Breaks their little necks right off, nine times out of ten. The other times, you have to give 'em an extra twist.”

  She looks at Rob, then at me, and I can see that she's slightly amused by our shocked faces.

  “Well, you do,” she continues. “There's no point pretending otherwise. Sometimes they squeak real loud, and you can hear the bones crunching as you turn the bodies around.”

  “I'll fix it later,” Rob says, turning to me. “And I'll try to be home on time.”

  “No you won't,” Addie says, before I can reply.

  He turns to her. “What was that, honey?”

  She keeps her eyes fixed on me, while letting a faint smile cross her lips. “You'll call to say you're staying late,” she adds calmly. “You're that kind of person. Anyone with eyes can see it a mile off.”

  Rob glances at me, clearly feeling a little uncomfortable. “Okay,” he says cautiously, “well I -”

  “Enjoy yourself,” Addie continues, turning to him. “After work, I mean. Enjoy those few hours you manage to snatch between leaving your office and coming home. I'm sure they're the highlight of your day.”

  Rob pats her on the shoulder as he heads back around the table and kisses the top of my head again.

  “Good luck,” he says quietly. “I'm sure she'll get herself sorted soon. I bet you guys are gonna have a swell day.”

  “We will,” I reply, even though Addie is still staring at me with that faint, barely hidden grin.

  “You scratch the back of your neck a lot,” she says after a moment.

  Realizing I'm doing it at this very moment, I force myself to stop. “It's nothing,” I mutter.

  “Maybe,” she replies, frowning at me. “Or maybe...”

  Her voice trails off, and she seems genuinely fascinated for a moment. Finally, however, she mumbles something under her breath and looks back down at her breakfast.

  ***

  “I just didn't want you to think that I was being an asshole,” Diane says as she stands at the kitchen window and looks out at the garden. “I guess I said a few dumb things, though.”

  “It's nothing,” I tell her, tipping some more cookies onto a plate. Checking my watch, I see that Rob's already late home from work, but I guess he's just had to stay a little late again. “I was being over-sensitive.”

  I glance at Diane and see that she's still looking out at Addie and Suzie. I want to ask what the kids are doing, but I hold back
because I know I might not like the answer. All morning, I was able to convince myself that Addie would start acting like a regular kid again once her best friend came over, but I've already seen enough to know that she's going to keep this whole “I'm not Addie” thing running for a while longer. I guess it's some kind of defense mechanism, but I wish I could find a way to get through to her.

  After a moment, I realize I'm scratching the back of my neck again. I need to stop doing that.

  “She does seem a little more... reserved,” Diane says cautiously.

  “It'll wear off,” I tell her.

  “Of course it will.” She comes over to the counter. “You know what Suzie and Addie are like, they're two peas in a pod. Although I can't guarantee that they won't get up to a little mischief. Suzie's had quite a while to think up some fun things for them to do.”

  “That would be absolutely fine right now,” I reply with a smile. “In fact, I think I'd -”

  Before I can finish, Suzie comes running in from the yard and puts her arm around her mother, holding her tight.

  “Are you okay, honey?” Diane asks, tousling her hair.

  Suzie mumbles something, but her face is buried in her mother's waist.

  “Suzie?” Diane continues. “What are you doing? Are you having fun out there?”

  “That's not Addie,” she whispers, looking up with fear-filled eyes.

  Diane glances at me.

  “Well... Whatever do you mean by that, honey?” she asks, looking back down at her daughter. “Of course it's Addie.”

  “She says she's not Addie,” she continues a little breathlessly, “and I believe her. She doesn't want to do any of the things Addie likes to do, and she says she's never met me before.” She briefly looks at me, as if she's afraid, and then she tugs on Diane's arm. “Can we go home, Mommy? I want to go home. I don't like it here anymore.”

  “We're not going home just yet,” Diane replies, taking Suzie by the hand and leading her to the back door. “It's very important that you play with Addie some more. It'll help her.”

  “But I don't want to.”